One-to-ones

Introduction#

A one-to-one is a short, regular, private conversation between a team lead and someone in their team. It differs from the other meetings they attend together in that it focuses on the person rather than the work. The one-to-one is one of the most important tools a leader has for building happy, productive teams.

The one-to-one belongs to the individual, not to the lead. It should produce a shared understanding of how the individual is feeling, what is getting in their way, where they are heading, and what they could each do differently. It should not be a status update or work-tracking meeting.

This page explains why one-to-ones matter to each person involved, how to run them, what to ask about, how to handle feedback in both directions, and what the boundaries of the conversation should be.

Purpose#

The meeting serves several purposes.

For the individual, it is guaranteed access to their lead. Everyone has things that never quite justify an interruption: frustration with something they don’t feel comfortable raising in a retrospective, a half-formed thought about what they want to be doing next, uncertainty about whether their work is landing well. A regular slot removes the need to judge whether something is important enough to raise, because there is always an opportunity coming soon. It is also where they get an honest picture of how they are doing, and the place where their personal development and wellbeing are actively pursued.
For the lead, it is a valuable source of insight into the state of the team. The board describes the work. A retrospective gives a collective view, filtered through the group and through whatever people are willing to say in front of each other. Only the one-to-one gives a personal, unfiltered account, and it is sometimes where a problem is first visible, months before it becomes a resignation. It is also the main mechanism through which the lead develops their team, and a valuable route to learning what they should do differently.
For the team and organisation, happier and more productive individuals lead to higher-performing teams, delivering better business outcomes. Problems get surfaced while they are still small, personal development gets deliberate attention, expectations stay aligned, and feedback flows upwards as well as down, so everyone improves.

A one-to-one is not a status update, a performance review, or the only time feedback is given.

The basics#

These are the fundamentals that need to be in place.

Hold one-to-ones fortnightly at a minimum, with at least 30 minutes allocated each time. Weekly is better for new starters, anyone in an unfamiliar role, and anyone going through something difficult. Less than fortnightly is not enough for the conversation to build on itself, because too much has happened in between to do more than skim.
Meet in person where possible, somewhere the conversation cannot be overheard. Failing that, video with cameras on. It’s important to build a personal connection, and these are the best ways to do that.
Give it your full focus. Silence notifications, clear your mind, and be fully present. Anything less is obvious to the other person, and it will discourage them from sharing anything sensitive.
Protect the slot. Cancelling because delivery is busy communicates exactly where the person sits in your priorities, and busy periods are when the meeting is most needed. Move it rather than skip it. If it falls in the middle of an extended break for one party, it’s OK to skip one, but this should be by mutual agreement and a rare event.

Ask open questions#

A common mistake is to ask questions that can be answered in one word. “Did you have a good holiday?” invites “yes”, which helps no-one. Instead, ask open questions like “How was your holiday?” These show genuine interest and help you understand how they’re feeling and what’s important to them.

Ask, then wait. After you’ve asked an open question, give it time to breathe. Leave a deliberate pause until they respond, and resist the temptation to fill the silence. A pause after a question feels much longer to the person who asked it than to the person answering, who is likely just gathering their thoughts or deciding how honest to be. The pause also signals that you care about what they have to say.

Take an interest without probing. Follow up on what someone chooses to share, but let them steer away from anything they would rather not discuss. Remembering to ask about their house move shows interest; interrogating them about the mortgage is inappropriate.

Closed and open examples#

Closed questions to avoid	Better open alternatives
“Is everything OK?” generates a reflexive “yes”, even if everything is not OK.	“How are things?” invites a genuine response that opens a dialogue.
“I assume you’re happy with the new process?” is leading.	“How are you finding the new process?” will surface any issues more effectively.
“Where are you up to with the payments work?” is a question for the daily meeting.	“How are you feeling about the payments work?” probes whether they are enjoying their work, or silently struggling or bored.
“How’s the work going, and are you happy with the team?” stacks questions.	Ask one thing and wait, so they can answer each question properly.
“Any feedback for me?” is likely to get an automatic “no”.	“What can I do differently?” encourages them to offer something meaningful.

Areas to cover#

There is no need to cover everything below in every session, and trying to would make the meeting feel like an audit. Over a handful of sessions, though, all of it should have been covered.

Personal#

Always start by establishing a connection and building rapport. It signals that you are interested in the person rather than in their output, and it is much easier to talk about something difficult later in a conversation that started warmly.

“How are things?”
“How are you doing?”
“How’s the house move coming on?”
“How was the gig?”

Remembering what someone told you last time and asking about it is an important signal that you are paying attention and care. Keep brief notes on key points if it will help you remember individual context between one-to-ones.

The individual#

How they are experiencing the work at the moment: workload, pressure, and how they are reacting to whatever is changing around them.

“Seems like you’re juggling quite a lot just now, how are you feeling about things?”
“How are you feeling about our switch to <new technology X>?”

If they’re struggling with something, help them find their way to a solution. Change is where people most often struggle quietly, particularly change that challenges their expertise. Somebody who was the strongest engineer on the old stack may be finding the new one uncomfortable but may not readily volunteer that. Ask directly.

Colleagues#

How they are getting on with the people around them. This surfaces friction early and gives a view of how well new people are doing.

“How are you finding working with <colleague X>?”
“How do you think <colleague Y> is settling in?”

This needs care. You are asking for their experience of working with someone, not for an assessment of that person. What you hear may highlight something you should follow up on to understand better, but you need to protect the one-to-one as a safe space where what the individual shares is treated as between the two of you. If this surfaces friction between two people, your response should be to work with them to resolve it, rather than ignoring it or relaying it.

Goals and development#

If the individual is working towards defined goals such as a learning objective or role change, use the one-to-one to provide regular support.

“How are you getting on with <goal>?”
“What have you done to progress <goal>?”
“Do you need any help progressing <goal>?”

The three questions do different jobs. The first invites an assessment; the second asks for evidence, which is a gentle and non-accusatory way of finding out whether anything has actually happened; and the third is where most of the value sits. Very often the honest answer is that nothing has moved, and the reason is something you can help resolve, such as lack of time allocated, no access to the work that would build the skill, or missing clarity on what “progress” would even look like.

The team#

Their view of the work and of how the team is functioning. This is where you hear things that are unlikely to be said in a retrospective.

“How are you feeling about <project X>?”
“How do you feel the team is working just now?”

Two-way feedback for the individual#

If you haven’t given any feedback since your last one-to-one, take the opportunity now. Ideally it is continuous, but if nothing has prompted a spontaneous conversation, or you have held something back that you should have raised earlier, don’t miss the chance here. Don’t bottle it up or wait until there’s a big problem to address.

“I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a bit frustrated in the refinement sessions recently. Is that something you’ve been aware of?”
“I noticed you’ve been late to the daily call a couple of times recently. Is there something getting in the way of you being on time?”
“You seem to have been a bit distracted recently. Is there anything I should be aware of?”

Also get into the habit of regularly asking for feedback from the individual, using open questions like:

“What could I change in how I’m leading the team?”
“What can I do differently to better support you?”

See Feedback for more on this.

Take the hierarchy out#

The team lead is there to help their team be happy and productive. In one-to-ones, you should create space for the individual to drive, with you doing most of the listening.

Deliberately remove hierarchy wherever possible. Get together in a space they’ll feel comfortable in, with no laptop between you, and avoid creating the appearance of rushing in late from something more important or rushing off afterwards.

Help them solve problems themselves rather than doing it for them. The instinct to fix things is strong, and often faster in the short term, but every problem you take away is a problem they do not learn to solve and a signal that they were not trusted to solve it. Ask what they have already considered, what is actually blocking progress, and what they would do if the decision were entirely theirs. Frequently they already have the answer and want a sanity check rather than a rescue.

Example: helping them solve it themselves

“The API team keep changing the contract without telling us and it’s costing us days.”

A disempowering response takes the problem away: “Leave it with me, I’ll speak to their lead.”

A more useful response starts with questions:

“What have you tried so far?”
“What do you think could fix it?”
“What’s stopping you raising it with them directly?”

They may have a specific idea, such as asking to be added to the review for contract changes, and simply be unsure whether they have the standing to ask for it. Confirming they do, and offering to be in the room if useful, resolves the problem while leaving them the owner of it.

Of course, there are times when you have no option other than to own the problem. If the obstacle is genuinely one of authority, budget, or organisational politics which only you can resolve, take it on and say so explicitly, along with what will happen next.

Boundaries#

A one-to-one works because it is safe, and safety comes from consistent boundaries rather than from familiarity.

Keep the relationship professional. Warm, human, and interested, but professional. The asymmetry of power in the meeting does not go away because the conversation is friendly, and it means they cannot decline things as freely as a peer could. A gesture you intend as friendly, such as an invitation to a drink after work, could land as something they feel obliged to accept.
Do not gossip. If you share things about others in your one-to-one, the individual can reasonably assume you will talk about them behind their back too. Discretion is important to make the meeting a place in which people are willing to be honest.
Do not burden them with problems they cannot solve. Sharing a difficulty that they can help influence invites collaboration, but sharing one they cannot is offloading.
Be cautious about undermining leadership or criticising the company. You can be honest when you disagree with a decision and are raising it through the proper route, but venting downwards spreads anxiety that the recipient can do nothing with. Take your frustrations to your own one-to-one.
Do not make promises you cannot keep. “I’ll argue for it, but I can’t promise the outcome” preserves credibility. A promise about promotion, pay, project allocation, or anything else outside your full control is likely to come back to bite you.
Be clear about confidentiality. Most of what is said should stay in the room, and where it cannot, say so at the time rather than afterwards. If something needs escalating, agree how before doing it.

Actions and agenda#

Agree any actions explicitly and write them down. Who is doing what, by when. Start the next session by reviewing these actions.

A shared running document works well: they can add topics in advance, both people can see the open actions, and over time it becomes a record of what was discussed and what changed.

Let them shape the agenda. Arriving with a list of your own topics and working through it turns the meeting back into yours. Aim to open with whatever they want to raise before covering your own points.

Who to have one-to-ones with#

Hold one-to-ones with everyone in the team, including people you do not formally line manage.

Line management brings some specific responsibilities: formal objectives, performance, pay, and career progression. Where those responsibilities sit with someone else, leave them there rather than duplicating or contradicting them.

Everything else still applies. How someone is finding the work, how well the team is functioning, what is getting in their way, and two-way feedback are all questions about making the team effective, and they are just as relevant for a contractor, a supplier’s engineer, or someone from another department working in your team. Skipping those people means you’re missing important opportunities to understand and improve the team.

Summary#

Do

The one-to-one belongs to the individual, and exists for the person rather than for the work.
A fortnightly slot of at least 30 minutes is the baseline, in person is better, and full attention from both people is essential.
The slot should not be sacrificed in a busy delivery period.
Hold one-to-ones with everyone in the team, including people you do not formally line manage.
Ask open questions, then leave silence, because most of what matters is said after a pause.
Rotate through the individual, colleagues, goals and development, and the team, without trying to cover everything every time.
Give feedback close to the event, and use the one-to-one for patterns.
Ask for feedback often and with genuine interest, take the answer without defending, and report back on what changed.
Coach people through problems they can own instead of taking those problems away.
Keep the relationship professional, be discreet, and promise only what you can reliably deliver.

Don’t

Don’t let it become a status update. Progress against tickets belongs on the board and in the daily meeting. If you are asking where something is up to, the meeting has been repurposed.
Don’t cancel when delivery gets tight. The pressure that makes it tempting to drop the meeting is the same pressure that makes it important to hold.
Don’t do most of the talking. Listening should take the large majority of the time, and the discomfort of a silence is yours to absorb.
Don’t save feedback up for the meeting. Feedback delayed by a fortnight is harder to act on and turns the one-to-one into something people dread.
Don’t agree actions that then evaporate. Write them down, review them next time, or do not agree them at all.
Don’t let anyone be surprised at a performance review. Nothing in a review should be new information, and if it is, the one-to-ones were not doing their job.
Don’t fix everything for them. Every problem taken away is a capability not built and a signal of distrust.
Don’t only hold them with direct reports. The people whose reporting line sits elsewhere are the ones you understand least.